lizx4boys

A Bereaved Mother's blog

Explaining how I am experiencing grief

I realized with Richard’s death my very core has been shaken.  Let me explain what I mean by this, I had a fulfilled life, a good job, a healthy family, a solid faith.  At the base of my very existence is my family, they are part of my conscious and subconscious.  Not one thought goes by without the knowledge of the love I feel for my family. It’s what allows me to successful in life, knowing I have the love of my family has given me the confidence to do great things, travel many places and overcome many challenges. My work may come and go, friends I’ve known over the years may drift apart, but I always have the love of my husband and children. They are the very fabric of my being.  When one of my family is suddenly taken from my physical presence my very being is rocked to the core, to the very essence of who I am.  I have described this as my DNA changing, being ripped from me and put back with a new genetic code.  How can I look at the world the same when the foundation is cracked?  When the very essence has changed?  I’ve lost trust in God, in fate, in life.

Something this catastrophic is forcing a change in me I neither sought nor want.  God Damn it! I want Richard back; I want my old perfect life back.  I don’t want to learn to live in this new world, but I have no choice because I have two living sons and a husband that I must live for.  I have to find a way to understand my own grief and heal, while I help everyone else heal.  Isn’t that what Mother’s do? Take care of their families?

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One response to “Explaining how I am experiencing grief

  1. Michael Cartwright November 14, 2011 at 2:10 am

    I know all of these things…and I know none of them. The sudden impact of grief is as individual as we all are. It is good that you are writing. As time passes the pain will soften, but the shards will remain at an unknown distance and strike without notice. I do my best to rest in the comfort of the Lord by talking with Him and writing to Him. Here is one on my early post that captures when I began my climb out of despair. http://spiritualwalkwithgod.wordpress.com/2011/01/31/why-me/

    God bless,
    Michael

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