lizx4boys

A Bereaved Mother's blog

I’m grateful to have had the privilege to be Richard’s Mom

As much as I miss him, and everyday grieve his loss, I ask myself – If I knew that I would only have 20 years would I have done it again?  Would I have willingly parented this wonderful man if I knew I would have the survive the pain of losing him?  I can only answer yes.

Thinking back to all the years of joy he brought me, from his first days and months as an infant. To his endless energy as a toddler, his pre-school years of riding bikes, climbing trees, and loving life.  He loved that he could run fast, and ride his bike fast, and wrestle with his friends.  He took so much joy in being physical – running, jumping, sports, wrestling, punching his brothers.  And he had so much energy, he was always “up”, ready to go. Sometimes it was exhausting living with him, but I miss the noise, the excitement, the passion for life he had.

He could make a game out of anything.  Racing to the next telephone poll, finding money in pay phones, creating games with just a ball or frisbee in an airport.  If there was a time he was bored he would drag his brothers into a game he created, and change the rules as they went.

I loved every minute of being his mother, which is why it is excruciating to realize I have to live the rest of my life here without him.

I know he is in heaven, the afterlife, the other side, in the light…but now I have to figure out how to go on without him. To find joy in my family, my friends, my life.

I know we’ll be together again someday, which could be 40 years, but how do I go on without him here?

I’m grateful for the time I got to spend  with him, I just want more time!  I don’t want it to end this way.

If you ask me if I’d do it again, knowing I’d lose him. I’d said yes, because I got to spend the best 20 years of my life with him.  Now I have to figure out how to life the remaining 40 without him.

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