A Bereaved Mother's blog
Just filling the days until I can be with my son again
November 29, 2011Posted by on
Most days now I am just “filling the hours” with distractions, work, chores, whatever, to keep myself busy until I am finally called to the other side. Life seem meaningless to me now, so I’m just waiting for the day when I can go home. I just don’t see purpose in anything. How could I have been blind to the suffering in the world. People lose children, every day all over the world. I was blissfully ignorant, and blindly complacent that it could ever happen to my family. So now, with so much pain in the my world, I just try to fill the time. Watch TV, read books, distract myself from the pain of losing Richard.
I realize I have to keep going forward for my family, to have another tragic death in our home would be – I don’t know what word to use here – cruel, unbearable, unimagineable. I have to stick around for my living sons, and share their lives with them. Even though I can’t imagine being happy or even content ever again. Everything will be overshadowed with the fact that Richard died, and he is no longer with us. That my sweet boy is gone and I won’t see him on this earth every again.
Everday I say to myself, “How could this have happened? Not Richard. Something like this would never have happened to Richard.” It incomprehensible to me. And if logically this has happened, even to someone has kind, pure, honest and talented as Richard – What does that mean for the rest of us?
I have always taken good care of myself, wanting to live toattend my youngest son’s 5oth Birthday party, which will be 1/23/45. We all joked how 82 year old Mom would be dancing with her grandkids, and celebrating Robert’s 50th. It was my goal, to live to 82, and I didn’t think that was unreasonable. My grandmother lived to be 86, and she was lifetime smoker. My mother is 75 with no end in sight. But now, to think of having to endure this pain for another 34 years in unbearable.
But yet, I want to see my son turn 50.
How am I going to distract myself for the next 34 years, a lifetime until I can meet with Richard again?