A Bereaved Mother's blog

Just filling the days until I can be with my son again

Most days now I am just “filling the hours” with distractions, work, chores, whatever, to keep myself busy until I am finally called to the other side.  Life seem meaningless to me now, so I’m just waiting for the day when I can go home.  I just don’t see purpose in anything.  How could I have been blind to the suffering in the world.  People lose children, every day all over the world.  I was blissfully ignorant, and blindly complacent that it could ever happen to my family.  So now, with so much pain in the my world, I just try to fill the time.  Watch TV, read books, distract myself from the pain of losing Richard.

I realize I have to keep going forward for my family, to have another tragic death in our home would be – I don’t know what word to use here – cruel, unbearable, unimagineable.  I have to stick around for my living sons, and share their lives with them.  Even though I can’t imagine being happy or even content ever again.  Everything will be overshadowed with the fact that Richard died, and he is no longer with us. That my sweet boy is gone and I won’t see him on this earth every again.

Everday I say to myself, “How could this have happened? Not Richard.  Something like this would never have happened to Richard.” It incomprehensible to me.  And if logically this has happened, even to someone has kind, pure, honest and talented as Richard – What does that mean for the rest of us? 

I have always taken good care of myself, wanting to live toattend  my youngest son’s 5oth Birthday party, which will be 1/23/45.  We all joked how 82 year old Mom would be dancing with her grandkids, and celebrating Robert’s 50th.  It was my goal, to live to 82, and I didn’t think that was unreasonable.  My grandmother lived to be 86, and she was lifetime smoker.  My mother is 75 with no end in sight.  But now, to think of having to endure this pain for another 34 years in unbearable.

But yet, I want to see my son turn 50.

How am I going to distract myself for the next 34 years, a lifetime until I can meet with Richard again?


3 responses to “Just filling the days until I can be with my son again

  1. Patricia Hung January 2, 2012 at 5:53 pm

    I found your blog via another and I’m so sorry for your loss. I can totally understand everything you are saying and feeling. The “waiting” for time to pass for things to get better is so frustrating and with little relief.
    My 14 year old daughter was murdered a few years ago and I’m still waiting….but I can promise you that it will get easier. No one can say when but certainly before your son turns 50.
    You are in my thoughts and I’ll hold my breath with you since for me that’s how it feels.

  2. Susan B January 11, 2012 at 6:10 pm

    Wow, powerful post, your honesty is humbling. There are no shortcuts in living the rest of your life with less pain than doing the time, unless you decide not to do the time, but you’re right, other people would be hurt if you checked out earlier than God’s plan for you.
    My new life without my youngest son started tweleve years ago and the first ten years sucked! The last two years have been filled with more light, more love, growth, peace, and I can’t tell you why, except, maybe I’m ready to feel again.
    Your son is with you right now, in every breath you take, smile you smile, tear you shed, NOTHING will ever take him away from you, again.
    I’m so sorry that he had to leave you in this life, but I do believe he will be with you in the ultimate next life!
    Holding you hand,
    Susan B

  3. Indian Homemaker January 20, 2012 at 9:31 am

    This post is like reading my own thoughts… My biggest hope is that there is life after death and I will meet my daughter again.

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