lizx4boys

A Bereaved Mother's blog

This must be a bad dream

Have you ever woke up and wondered “Is this really my life? It must be a bad dream that I can’t wake up from”.

  • 19 year-old son dies unexpectedly, tragically
  • Father-in-law dies of cancer six weeks later
  • Holidays with one less child
  • Twin brother of dead sons tells us he is a long-term marijuana user
  • Husband has a major heart attack

Really?? WTF?  My life used to be so boring.  I had an average, very blessed life.  Married 23 years, three sons, good jobs, nice house. 

Now, I live in a parallel universe where I look at everyone and think; “How much is this person suffering?” “Have they lived through what I’ve lived through?” “Do they understand the depth of pain that exists in the world?”  “Will there ever be joy again?” “What is the meaning of life?”

Just when I think I can’t take it anymore, something else happens, and I momentarily collapse, cry, sob and then pick myself up and go into auto-pilot.  I have to take it, who else is going to?  I don’t have a choice but to deal with everything that life throws at me.  I can’t crawl in a hole and forget this is happening….life goes on and I don’t have a choice but to go on and keep living the best I can – day by day.

I look at the world and realize I’m only here for a short time.  Someday I’ll see my son, my dad, my father-in-law again…. someday…..but I want to feel, hear and touch them now.  I have to believe they are here with me now, but I’m so entrenched in this world that I can’t feel theirs.  As much as I want to, I just can’t feel them the way I did when they were here with me. 

I wish I had appreciated more every minute I spent with Richard – I loved every minute, but it was like air, you take it for granted.  You think the air you breath will be there until your dying breath, and in an instant its not anymore and you can’t believe you have to learn to live without breathing….you have to live with a big void in your chest, in your heart, in your family, in your very DNA that has been forever altered without your son…and sometimes I wake up and think “this must be a bad dream”. 

When I realize this is my new life, I keep going forward trying to figure out how I can live in my new world….

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4 responses to “This must be a bad dream

  1. Indian Homemaker January 28, 2012 at 5:02 am

    I feel this way. Like I am walking, breathing, living in an unreal, or dream world. That nothing is really there and nothing matters anymore… and still everything is going on, we are breathing and eating, even smiling sometimes – it’s like there are two of me, and one of them has died with my daughter.

  2. Susan B February 13, 2012 at 5:10 pm

    Wow, I totally get WTF?! Liz, I’m touched by your post. What a great big pile of sharing you have done. These are massive losses and it HURTS! You feel scared, overwhelmed, ashamed, mad, suicidal, ashamed, beyond sad, freaked out, scared, overwhelmed… and around and around and around – exhausted.
    Nope, never gonna make any sense of it. Like when you read about the guy at the crosswalk on his motorized wheelchair, waiting for the light to change so he can cross the road, and a vehicle hits another, that hits another and piles into the guy in the chair, killing him. WTF?
    You and I share similiar losses. My 11 year old son was diagnosed with leukemia in Jan 1999, my mom died in May ’99, my son in Jan 2000. Why? Even if God told me, I wouldn’t understand.
    What I know now, knew it back then too but at times contemplated otherwise, is that this is my life, and as hard as it gets, I gotta live it.
    Just remember you are not alone and we are holding hands.
    Susan

  3. ninaemalcomb June 23, 2012 at 4:25 am

    So much to deal with. I can relate to having so much all at once..two daughters and grandson in accident, 3rd daughter- pregnant teen. I had three daughters in hospital all at once in different locations…Life is not fair, and I do not get why some people don’t seem to ever experience this magnitude of stress and tragedy and some are hit with way more than their share. I ask for my Grandma and mom who died years before my daughter to look out for her and help her adjust to her new way of being or life…? Not sure what to believe now about what happens when we die. This whole experience has made me re-evaluate all my beliefs. I hope and pray Alex is up in Heaven with her Grandmothers and is unaware of the Hell she went through after her accident. I hope it is okay I am sharing this..I am new to blogging, so don’t know if this is an appropriate way to respond.

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