A Bereaved Mother's blog

I think about Richard all the time

I think about him every day, every couple of minutes, every breadth.

It feels like he is part of me now, more than his brothers.  I can’t explain that I feel like he is with me all the time.  I hear him say “Oh my goodness” about the new puppies.  I imagine him watching over me when I travel, helping me to not forget anything, carrying my stuff, like he would if he were with me. I hear his voice in my head saying things he used to say.  I laugh to myself sometimes when I’m in a situation I know he would think is funny.

I think of Michael and Robert, but they seem separate somehow, their own people. Not integrated into my soul like Richard.

Richard is with me.  Is it because his soul is watching over me all the time?  Is he closer to my soul because he is in heaven, and we are one again?  I would really like to understand these questions, so it can give me some solace while I live the rest of my life.

I had a vision of the moment of my death, I’m very old laying flat, and he is holding my head looking over me with a big smile on his face, the same age he was this past summer.  And I feel his love and I’m so happy to be with him again.  And he is happy to be able to finally explain why he died at 19, and why I had to live a life without him. 

I want someone to explain why our lives have turned out this way, why people who have so much promise die young.  Why people who create havoc in the world live long unproductive lives.  I just want someone to make sense out of this for me.


2 responses to “I think about Richard all the time

  1. Indian Homemaker March 1, 2012 at 6:44 am

    I have similar questions… I hope I see my daughter in my dying moments. I hope I see her now. My husband talks to her every night before he sleeps… I wish I could get some sign that she still exists in some form. I dreamt of her thrice and the first time she had an amazing, peaceful – unbelievably peaceful smile on her face – and in my dream I was thinking, “That’s a perfect smile, there is not an imperfection or negative in it.” I find it difficult to understand death – the cat she brought home is there, her handwritten notes, her drawings, her recorded voice, her bathroom slippers – all are there, but she isn’t. Sometimes I feel she was never there – because if she was, then how could she just disappear so completely. Sometimes I wish I could will it all to turn out to be a horrible nightmare and wake up and find she is still around.

  2. ninaemalcomb June 23, 2012 at 4:11 am

    I also have those same questions. My daughter was a Senior in high school, and had just gotten straight A’s..was beautiful, loving, sweet and had so much life ahead of her. How do people survive this?? I hope we can all manage somehow because of the children that are still here.

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