A Bereaved Mother's blog
It’s been a long time since I’ve written, I just didn’t have anything profound enough to say. However, since Friday, where 27 sets of parents lost their children I’ve had many phone calls. I haven’t talked to anyone, because how can I discuss the grief these parents are feeling? The unthinkable, unbelievable…there are no words to explain why this happens. I’m devastated, but not outwardly grieving. I’m devastated for these people because they will have to live through what I am living through, the loss of the most precious people in their lives, their children. But I look at this differently now, because I know God has a plan. I know Richard left this earth early for a reason, that I”m not privy to yet, but some day I will be. And I know with complete certainty that there is a reason that God has taken these children. Is it to get our attention? That he surely has. Is it gun control? I think its bigger than that. I don’t know what, but we need to move to another place in consciousness…where we can come together regardless of politics, religion and ridiculousness. These are our children! How can we live in a world where there are vulnerable to this type of tragedy? How can I live in a world where my bright, beautiful, son fell off a balcony during a spitting contest. Where 20 children are murdered by someone who is mentally ill? Life does not make sense, and I’ve got a lot of questions when I finally get to the afterlife. Why? What are we supposed to learn from tragedies like this?
Tonight I felt the need to write, because I need to get off my chest that after 16 months I still don’t know why Richard died, and I won’t for a long time to come…..and I have to live with that because I have to survive for my other sons, Richard’s twin Michael and his younger brother Robert.
Friend and Teammates,
I will be returning to work tomorrow, working from home part-time a couple hours each day. I’d ask for you to give me space and privacy during this difficult time.
I feel your thoughts and prayers, and know you offer me your condolences.
If you ask If I’m ok, or how I am – I’m heartbroken, I will grieve for my son every day for the rest of my life and no words can change this.
When you see me, don’t hug me, this will only bring me to tears. As parents you can only imagine the agony I am in and I know you want take on some of my burden, but this unfortunately is mine alone to bear. Please just say “Hey” and look me in the eye, your presence alone makes me feel better and communicates the kindness you feel for me.
If you ask if there is anything you can do for me or my family, please donate to the scholarship fund we have created in Richard’s name. The scholarship will be given to a college bound debate student who exemplifies Richard’s spirit and academic excellence.
I’d love to sit and share with you stories of Richard, he was the kind of kid every mother wishes for in a son. Pure, honest, never a problem, he always said to me “Don’t worry Mom” – but it’s too painful for me now, maybe in a year from now I’ll be able to tell you how wonderful he was. Today I only grieve his death. If you watch his recorded memorial service on the scholarship website you’ll be able to hear his brothers, friends and even Richard himself, to know who he was.
As a team we have a lot of work to accomplish, and Richard would have wanted me to keep going. He wrote a paper about EMC and cloud computing, he was proud that I work somewhere that was changing the way the world thinks about compute and data, I need to continue to be a part of that future.
It’s been more than two months since Richard has passed, taken from us tragically. I am now realizing my thoughts and feelings need to be written down. Not because I need to get them on paper, but because there are many people praying for me, wanting to reach out and help. I’m not capable of putting my jumbled thoughts into a conversation, because a conversation is two way, and I’m not ready for the words that come from the other side of the conversation. I thought it would help if I could write them down, for people to read, so they know I feel their love, I just can’t interact right now.
I also have a new realization of how precious life is, and how it can be taken from you in an instance when you least expect it. If I am taken suddenly, or even if live another 50 years I want my children and grandchildren to understand who I am, and what I have experienced.
Richard has left us several journals from his childhood that I will treasure forever. They have brought me closer to him because I get to read his inner most thoughts, which I was unaware of at the time they were written. I wish while he was living I would have found those journals, and been able to talk about them with him.
Finally, I need to write because I know it will help me heal. I don’t have a choice but to move forward, I know that, what my new life looks like, I still don’t know, I just need to write what I am feeling now so I can start to figure out- What am I suppose to do with my life?