A Bereaved Mother's blog
It’s been close to a year since I’ve written a post. I haven’t felt the deep need to write down my feelings, partly because I think I was numb from the Prosac (which I am off of), and partly because I reached a place where I was in the “What can you do?”, you have to keep moving forward. You move forward because you don’t have a choice, and once you realize this…this acceptance of the hand you’ve been dealt…you try to make the best of it, because that’s what he would have wanted.
Richard made the best of every uncomfortable, unfortunate, unexpected situation. Whether it was stuck in traffic, or a broken arm. He always looked on the bright side. I can’t do anything but honor his attitude toward life, so I must look at the bright side. I got to know and love him for 19 years. He changed who I am. He made me a better person. This is my bright side, I loved him, and those not fortunate enough to know Richard must hear about him in the future. This is my mission. If they can look at me and think “How can she do it?”, I can tell everyone “If you knew him, I’m just mirroring who he was, he made the best of everything”. Now that I’ve accepted this new outlook, I’ve changed my goals going forward.
So, if based on the actuarial tables (and family history), I probably have 20 years or less left with my partner and husband. We’ve been married for 25 years, some years took forever, but the last 10 have gone by quickly and I know the next 20 will go by faster. What are we going to do with the time we have remaining?
Everything we’ve always wanted to do, we aren’t waiting for retirement to travel, golf, party with our friends…we are doing that right now.
Jobs? Well, we are fortunate that I can work (from home) and support us, and still work from anywhere in the world. And if you think your life will end earlier than expected, what exactly are you saving all the money for??
Once we (yes my husband shares my views) came to this conclusion, its almost like opportunities presented themselves. We’ve been traveling almost full time since our youngest left for college, with no end it site in the next 6 months. We have our eyes open for opportunities to experience life, through friends, family and work.
When Richard first died, I was convinced I had to finish his mission in life, which was to change the world. He was a big personality and he fully expected to make an indelible change on our society. I considered mission work, full-time fund raising, local volunteering – at the time I was too exhausted to figure out what I would do in his name. Then I realized, I’m setting the example for everyone who knew him – I’m shaping my life the way he would have wanted me too, making the absolute best of the situation. I don’t mean surviving, he never just “made it through” a bad situation – he took misfortune as a personal challenge to change perceptions to something positive – In a BIG way.
I still miss him every minute, and I have tears running down my face as I write this – but “What can you do?” take a deep breath and keep going, because if I ,his mother can’t keep going, how can I expect his father, brothers, family and friends to.
I miss you Richard.