A Bereaved Mother's blog
It’s been almost 90 days since Richard’s death. His death has changed my entire paradigm of life here on Earth. Why am I working hard, making good decisions (in my view), saving money, being a good parent and role model, helping people – essentially leading a morale life, if something as castrophic and tragic is going to occur to my family?
What exactly is the point?
My life hasn’t been an easy,bump free kinda of life. My parents divorced when I was 13, I now realized I probably grieved for 10 years following this event, at the time I was just an angry teenager. The attitude I had during that time in my life led me into situations I’m not very proud of, including a sexaul assualt. My Dad died when I was 39, which sent me on a journey to question my choices in life, my marriage, my career choices, etc. Finally after 48 years, I can say my life was perfect. I have three beautiful boys, my 23 year marriage was finally in a place of bliss, I had reached a point in my career where I was satisifed and passionate about my work. I was completely content and looking forward to retirement, weddings, grandchildren.
What took 48 years to perfect, took only seconds to shatter. In an instance my life has changed forever. The rest of my life will be framed around this event. My pure, honest, passionate son lost his balance in a spitting contest of the 5th floor balcony at his apartment at University of Texas, he would have been 20 years old on September 5, 1991. He died 6 days before his birthday.
Now my husband and I are left with -Why have we worked so hard at life (marriage, family, work) to have it end it up like this?
I can’t even describe the pain we are in. The word pain doesn’t even begin to express the magnitude of what we are feeling. Imagine the worst thing that has ever happened to you and mutiply it by 100. The death of a parent, which most of us experience by the time we are 48 doesn’t even touch this pain. The loss of a friend, a spouse, divorce doesn’t even begin to touch this pain we are feeling. It is catastrophic.
Our very belief in everything is questioned. Everything!
I believe Richard’s soul, his essense, his energy exist somewhere. Whether you call it Heaven, afterlife, the other side, the light – I know he is there. I have felt him- I feel his love, I know he is watching over me. I have seen him in dreams, out of the corner of his eye, heard his voice in my head. “Mom!”.
Knowing, and truly believing he is on the other side, leads me to ask so many questions.
If he has been taken so young, was this the plan all along? And who would create such a plan that involves so much pain? Are we here to learn some lesson, and the only way to do it is live through something that makes you question the life you have built? Is this the only way to get our attention? Pain? This doesn’t make sense to me, it just can’t be.
If he is there, and I am here, what am I doing here and why can’t I go there without inflicting so much pain. Why does so much love involve so much pain?
What exactly am I supposed to do now?
I realize I have all the responsibilities I did before this happened. I have two living wonderful sons. Truly amazing men, who want me to be a part of their life, who I need to help with this grief, who know Richard as well as I do. I have a husband who loves me and who still expects us to fulfill our life promise to each other. Richard was my husband’s best friend, his golf partner, shared his love of sports and the Cleveland Indians. Ed was looking forward to a life with Richard, sharing all the things they loved together. Don’t I need to be here for my husband?
I have read, and people tell me some day it will become clear why this has happened. Maybe some day I’ll be able to say “If Richard hadn’t died, this would not have happened”. I hope when I realize what “it” is, its something beyond comprehension of amazing, because that is how my son was. I can’t imagine anything could be as great as his life would have been. He was an amazing kid who would have been successful at anything he chose. He wanted to do something that would help people, and so we much continue his goal.
We have started a scholarship and foundation in Richard’s name, we will award this every year for the rest our lives so he is memorialized. I hope this scholarship will help individuals, and help remember Richard. I know there is something else I’m supposed to do, but I don’t know what. You have my attention now.
Please explain to me “What is the meaning of my life here on Earth?”.