lizx4boys

A Bereaved Mother's blog

Tag Archives: #www.rjhollandscholarship.org

The first milestone without Richard

We made it through our first big milestone, the holidays without Richard.  I can say we survived, but that’s about it.  We didn’t decorate, put up a tree, see family, go to parties – we just ignored that the rest of the world was celebrating birth and life. 

The hardest days were Christmas Eve, when we opened some presents with our sons and the last day of the year, the year in which my son died.  Life keeps moving forward, but I’m stuck reliving 8/30/11, the day he died.

There were some good things that happened. Richard’s friends were (and are) home from school, so they stopped over or helped us work on the scholarship (www.rjhollandscholarship.org).  It made everyone feel better to be together and talk about him.  It helped me to realize his friends are also grieving, like we are.  Everyone loved him, not just his family.

But as the new year begins, its time to get back to work full-time and learning how to live with this tragedy.  Learning how to keep searching, and not finding the answer to “Why?”.  “Why Richard, why someone who was so full of life, so loving, kind and passionate?”.  This tragedy doesn’t make sense it me, so I must keep searching for an answer.

I will spend the remainder of my life searching for this answer, knowing I won’t really know until I’ve joined him on the other side in heaven, but to give up searching is to believe that life is complete chaos, our time here on earth doesn’t have meaning. I cannot accept this, so I keep searching.